we made out on top of his cat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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