are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
