i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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