im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
