"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
