If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
