How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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