I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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