my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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