I feel great
I just peed on a car
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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