Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
