If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
