I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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