I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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