I can't breathe out the right side of my face
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize