My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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