My liver just broke up with me...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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