I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
