I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
