everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
