I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
