I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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