I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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