I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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