Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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