either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
