The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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