i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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