New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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