My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
