Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
