i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
