my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
