What a fucking waste of an outfit
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize