I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
