When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
