he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Be still, my beating vagina.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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