Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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