Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
