How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
