her vagine was all disorganized.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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