amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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