I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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