I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
