dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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