I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You were trust falling into bushes
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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