my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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