so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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