I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
