My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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