Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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