turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He felt like a one man threesome
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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