So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
