I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
