I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're a waste of cheezeits
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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