I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
