Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize