I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize