He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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