You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
