Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
