fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
