just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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