There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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