I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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